Funny thing, really, how life works.

For the past two years, I've been waiting for this day to come. I should be planning the biggest party ever to celebrate my turning eighteen. I've always imagined going clubbing on my birthday, getting sloshed proper by midnight and having to be bodily carted home by a pissed-off Alfiean.

But circumstances have changed.

He and I had a long talk on Monday. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Sometimes I accuse him of not loving me enough. Sometimes I accuse him of not appreciating the things I do for him. And what he said on Monday just made me see that I was so terribly wrong. And it's made me fall in love with him all over again a thousand fold.

Both me and him have special moments during our relationship that we like to revisit in our minds whenever things get tough. For him, it would be the time we dined by candlelight at Cafe Cartel where I presented him with a specially compiled CD, a loveletter and pictures of us. And for me, it would be our conversation on Monday. Because he finally told me what was in his heart. And I was so overwhelmed with love and relief, I broke down again.

My mother and Maria (both born on the 1st of July) have been down too. Both are feeling just as down as I am if not down-er. And I don't know what to do to make them feel better. Sometimes you want to help so much but you cant and then you just hover around helplessly.

Joline's just suffered a sudden loss and honestly, I just remembered how special my friends were to me when Leslie cried for Joline. I forgot how tight we used to be. I forgot that sometimes, friends can feel so much for you that they cry at your problems too.

I really do love Joline. And I admire her bravery. I don't know how she could have been strong enough to endure silent digs about her choice of religion at her own father's funeral. And baby, cry it all away if it helps. Hell, I'd join you if I wasn't so drugged right now.

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own problems that I forget that other people have their own problems too. I can't believe how utterly despicable I can be sometimes. And I often despise the person that I am.

So this my new year resolution (I know I'm about 7 months too late but to hell with it.) I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend and a better girlfriend. Because I have all these wonderful people in my life and they've always been there without me realising it.

I've changed my birthday plans too. No more talk of clubbing it up on the 7th. I want to be somewhere quiet with my loved ones where we can just eat a quiet dinner together and I want to look beautiful for him. No more sweaty birthday bash. I want a quiet, private and dignified eighteenth.

Oh, and the best birthday present ever? If you could somehow let my loved ones finally find happiness in their lives again.